Benny Bell

Oh, how I loves this guy. I suspect he has passed on (can't confirm this but I first heard him more than thirty years ago on Dr. Demento, and he was old then).

So Ricki very kindly linked to me and Joel, specifically to posts about The Great and Powerful Homer and Jethro. And she makes reference to (and embeds a video of) the Great Benny Bell.

My Goodness, how funny that guy is. Brevity may be the soul of wit, but subtlety is its heart. And Benny was the epitome of subtle wit (and double entendres).

Anyway, I can't seem to find any Benny Bell vids on Youtube except "Shaving Cream" and its backside. So in the absence of the turntable I want that translates vinyl into computerese, here are lyrics of some of my favorite Benny Bell songs, stolen from here (I meant to correct them to what I remember the lyrics as, but not enough time, got dinner to make).

Humoresque in C Major

We went strolling through the park
Goosing statues in the dark
If Sherman's horse can take it why can't you?
Buffalo Bill, alas alack,
We pinched his nose and scratched his back
If Buffalo Bill can take it why can't you?

When we fooled with Atlas, covered him with a mattress,
Hung a tie on Caesar's fly, oh boy what fun
And on Greeley's daughter we put a bucket of water,
One good turn deserves another, that is why...

We strolled again into the park
And goosed the statues in the dark
If Robin Hood can take it why can't you?
Sitting Bull he didn't grin
When I hung whiskers on his chin
If Sitting Bull can take it why can't you?

Then we fooled with Atlas, covered him with a mattress,
Hung a tie on Caesar's fly, oh boy what fun
And on Greeley's daughter we put a bucket of water,
One good turn deserves another, that is why...

We'll stroll again into the park
And goose the statues in the dark
If Joan of Arc can take it why can't you?
Buffalo Bill next time I pass
I'll stick my finger in his eye :-)
If Buffalo Bill can take it why can't you?

The Tattooed Lady

Oh listen to my story boys, I need your sympathy,
The tattooed lady in the circus fell in love with me
And to prove her love is sweet like sugar cane toddy
She had my picture tattooed on her body...

She has the landing of the Pilgrims on her shoulder,
And on her back she has a sunset and the West,
And beside her dimpled knees
She has two great big apple trees,
And the Pyramids look real upon her chest :-)
When she decided that she'd like to add my picture,
She simply could not find a vacant spot you see,
So she tattooed my poor face
In the most peculiar place,
Now whenever she sits down, she sits on me!

She has a small gardenia tattooed on her elbow,
And on her hip she has a lovely Queen of May,
And underneath her shapely spine,
If you look close O pal of mine
You'll see the Mississippi River all the way.
She has a rusty hinge that's tattooed on her kneecap
It looks so real it squeaks each time she bends her knee,
But she filled me with disgrace
When she added my poor face,
For whenever she sits down she sits on me.

Now do you wonder why I look so sad and worried,
And do you wonder why my head is bending low?
Sometimes I'd like to take a chance
And give her a swift kick in the pants
But if I do I'd only kick myself I know.
The only time that anyone can see my picture,
Is when the tattooed lady takes a bath, oh gee,
I get black and blue of course
Every time she rides a horse...ouch...
'Cause whenever she sits down she sits on me!

A Goose For My Girl

I used to worry when Thanksgiving day was near,
What can I give my girl to fill her heart with cheer
But I solved that problem, I'm a clever boy,
I know exactly how to fill her heart with joy...

I'm gonna give my girl a goose for Thanksgiving
It won't surprise her since I did it once before,
She jumps just like the Deuce
Every time she gets a goose
Perhaps I ought to give her two or more
I wish I could afford to buy her a turkey,
But turkeys cost so much and I'm out of work you see,
So I'll just give my girl a goose,
A good old-fashioned goose,
I wish someone would do the same for me.

I'm gonna give my girl a goose for Thanksgiving
My friends all tell me that the plan is very smart,
In fact her Daddy said to me
Very confidentially,
That's just the way he won her mama's heart.
So if you want to make your darling feel happy
Then take a tip from me and do the same thing too,
Go on and give your girl a goose
A nice soft tender goose
And you'll discover if her love is true.
I don't mean gander,
A good old-fashioned goose will do.

And one of my all-time favorites:

Jack Of All Trades

I used to work in Toledo, in a department store,
I used to work in Toledo, I did but I don't anymore.
A lady came in for candy, we sold it in that store,
Kisses she wanted, kiss her I did,
That's why I'm not there anymore.

I used to work in New Haven, in a department store,
I used to work in New Haven, I did but I don't anymore.
A lady came in with a can for gas, we sold it in that store,
I whispered "Ma'am you've got some can!"
That's why I'm not there anymore.

I used to work in Milwaukee, in a department store,
I used to work in Milwaukee, I did but I don't anymore.
A lady came in to our butcher shop, we had one in the store,
A goose she wanted, a goose she got
That's why I'm not there anymore.

I used to work in Waukegan,in a department store,
I used to work in Waukegan, I did but I don't anymore.
A lady came in for a pinch of salt, we had some in the store,
A pinch she wanted, a pinch she got
That's why I'm not there anymore.

I used to work in New Jersey, in a department store,
I used to work in New Jersey, I did but I don't anymore.
A lady came in for a felt hat, we had them in the store,
Felt she wanted, felt she got
That's why I'm not there anymore.

I used to work in Manhattan, in a department store,
I used to work in Manhattan, I did but I don't anymore.
A lady came in for golf balls, we sold them in the store,
Balls she wanted, (slide whistle up)
That's why I'm not there anymore.

Name that Movie!

Ah yes, another version. I had a different title for the post but that would have given it away too quickly. Anyway, this movie popped into my head this afternoon for no good reason. Well, actually there was a reason, but if I say it or link to it, it would be far too easy also.

Anyhoo, identify one of the funniest movies I've ever seen:

"I know what you're thinking... and you ought to be ashamed of yourself."

"There's nothing more inconvenient than an old queen with a head cold."

"Who the hell does he think he is?"
"The French middle weight boxing champ. But don't worry, he's gay."

"What will you have?"
[pause] "Milk."
"Cow's milk, monsier? Or mother's milk?"
"How about your sister's."

And if you haven't gotten it from the gimmes above, here's the one I considered using for the post title:

"COCKROACH!"

Homer and Jethro

Oh my goodness, they rock. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the one I was looking for ("Like Mother Used to Make") but Joel posted, so how could I do no less? It was one of the tunes they "had little or no success with" even though it was released on "a long-playing cylinder many years ago." Yes, it's a funny line and "you look clean but you laugh dirty" so we will forgive you.



Oh, and here's a link to another good one. A lot of early filler on that one, so scroll ahead to H&J on stage.

Postscript: I actually have on vinyl ("vie-null" for you kids out there) a Steve Goodman album with the original version of this excellent song. It also has Steve's version of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" with Jethro Burns playing some OUT-FREAKIN'-STANDING mandolin. Unfortunately, it is apparently NOT available on youtube. Someday when I have the right turntable, perhaps I can rip it and post it, along with "Like Mother Used to Make" if I can ever locate a copy of it...

One last thing before I eat dinner then crash

So in the short time since this post, I've been getting more and more excited to see Bridge on the River Kwai. So I called around, and this evening I picked up a copy at a Borders on the way home from work. Paid about three times what I'd wanted to, which sets back the handloading a bit, but whaddya gonna do?

Now I just need to find time to, you know, watch it.

A partial genealogical success

But only very partial and I haven't moved it further yet. I have a boatload of pictures I'm sorting through and there are several faces that keep cropping up. Sadly, both sides of the family seem to have the "don't write on the backs of the pictures just to drive Ken crazy" gene.

A couple of nights ago I came across one with my Grandma and my Mom (about age three, at a guess) and some faces I recognized from other pictures. At least, they look very much like the same folks (who were together in other pictures) at later ages. They are almost certainly relatives of my Grandma.

The best part? IT HAD NAMES ON THE BACK!

My enthusiasm was somewhat curbed as I searched the 'net for these names, especially at Ancestry.com. I could not find them. All of these folks are women, and almost certainly the names are married names. But it's a start!

I just wish I'd sorted through these pictures while Mom and Auntie were still around.

That's different

We're all used to telemarketers calling at ridiculous times. Here's a new one, to me at least.

I have a standing meeting I run* on Thursdays. We have some folks from another facility who normally call into the speaker-phone in the conference room to participate. These folks declined today, citing a conflicting meeting at their facility. So as I was logging into the conference room computer to pull up the meeting agenda and such, I was pleasantly surprised that the phone rang. I thought, "Hey, maybe their meeting got cancelled and they can participate."

No such luck.

I answered the phone and a recorded voice said something along the lines of "The extended warranty on your car is about to expire. This is the second time we've called to notify you. You don't want to drive around without a warranty. Press 1 to speak to a representative."

And I so desperately wanted to press 1 just to fuck with their heads. But I had a meeting to run.

* It's true. I run one (actually, more than one) of these meetings. I was ordered to do so, so I do it. Beats poverty.

Quote Parody of the day

And so very well-played, Ricki! Kudos and more kudos!